A Grown-up’s Very, Very Serious Guide To Surviving A Fairytale
ATTENTION, SHOULD YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A FAIRY TALE:
You may already be in one, which is unfortunate, as fairy tales are notoriously difficult to exit once entered, particularly if you have made any promises, opened any doors, or accepted refreshments from strangers. The following guidelines are offered for your continued survival, which includes the avoidance of being turned into something inconvenient, such as a statue, a swan, or a cautionary tale.
Beware of dog. And witch. And grandmothers with large teeth.
Bring a disguise.
Whether or not you have one, you will need one.Be kind to your youngest sibling.
There is a statistically alarming likelihood that they will inherit a kingdom, marry into a politically important family, or rescue you at a dramatically appropriate moment.Listen carefully to your mother.
If she tells you to bring something, bring it.
If your stepmother tells you to leave it behind, bring it and also consider fleeing immediately.Avoid shortcuts and bridges, and whatever you do, do not pay boatmen until you are standing safely on the opposite shore.
Know thyself: If warned not to open a door, you will open it. Prepare accordingly.
Exercise extreme caution around anything that glows, sings, or whispers your name.
If your plan involves trapping a child in an oven, reconsider.
Children possess surprising strength, excellent reflexes, and a deep personal interest in not being baked.Assist those in need.
There is always enough to share and time to stop.Honor your word.
Fairy tales have excellent memory and very poor forgiveness.Under no circumstances should you drink the wine.
FINAL WARNING:
Fairy tales do not reward cleverness alone.
They reward attention, restraint, and the peculiar habit of doing the right thing when it would be much easier not to.
Should you ignore this advice, you will still have a story.
You may just need your youngest sibling to bail you out of disaster.
