A Grown-up’s Very, Very Serious Guide To Pretending

ATTENTION, PARTICULARLY IF YOU ARE AN ADULT:

The following guide concerns the delicate and often misunderstood art of pretending, a pastime which many grown-ups abandon in favor of spreadsheets, errands, and other tragic misuses of time. It is strongly recommended that you read carefully before attempting participation, as mistakes in this area can lead to confusion, embarrassment, or, in severe cases, being quietly excluded by a group of eight-year-olds.

1. Either play or do not play.
   Half-hearted participation is immediately detectable and deeply offensive. Children possess an uncanny ability to sense hesitation, much like wolves or tax auditors.

2. Just go with it.
   You may not understand what is happening. This is normal. Understanding is not required. Agreement is.

3. It does not need to make sense.
   If you find yourself asking questions such as “But the dragon is also the mailman?” you have already failed.

4. All transitions must be properly declared.

   The only acceptable phrase is, “and then pretend I/you/we [new idea here]” Any other attempt at narrative control “doesn’t count.”

5. The answer is always “Yes.”
   Refusing another player’s idea is considered extremely poor manners and may result in immediate social consequences, including but not limited to being turned into a frog.

6. The most important person is not the leader.
   It is the one who takes an idea and makes it more—more dangerous, more absurd, or more magnificent than before. This person is often overlooked by adults, who tend to reward louder, less interesting contributions.

7. Never ask permission to upgrade your superpower/magic power/scientifically engineered power. You may not decline someone else’s upgrade, but you may continue in the grand tradition of one-upmanship until the imagination is exhausted on the topic.

8. Spying is essential.
   The finest games involve observing others, particularly those who are older, busier, or convinced they are not part of the game. They are mistaken.

9. Rules are rare and sacred.
   Do not create one unless absolutely necessary. Once established, it must be obeyed with alarming seriousness, or a very large argument will occur.

10. The game ends only under extreme conditions.
    These include:

    catastrophic unfairness

    or a parental directive involving lunch

If retrieved by your adult, continue playing until they become distracted by conversation. This will enable further play for at least 30 more minutes.

FINAL WARNING:

Pretending contains strong rip tides.

You may begin with a simple idea and find yourself, moments later, entirely carried away.